A Leaf

I woke up in a shade of grey. In my dream I had been in love, and when I awoke, I was not. Last night I read again for the first time in months. I recovered some of my poems because a good friend had been safe guarding them. That was one small victory in a long string of defeats. It didn't make me feel the tide was turning, it just made the losses stand out sharp in contrast to that old battered folder. None of my other writing survived. Things can always get worse it seems. After losing my job, not recovering any back pay, and selling all of my books and camera, I thought nothing worse, but worse is always a possibility. Without the comfort of my books or anything else, I feel like a leaf blown around in the middle of the street with no where to go. Today is all about figuring out. Maybe I should let the wind take me where it will. Maybe I'll be gone tomorrow. Who knows? I'll send you a postcard if you like. Maybe it will reach you.

written while driving

A super hero
Was what she was looking for
By some mistake
She found me
I’d left my super powers
The same place I did
My childhood
That dark closet
Back in Ohio
I couldn’t save her
I didn’t even try
Though I did run away
With her
Until she ran away
From me
Ran down completely
I heard
From someone
Who knew her
Longer than I had

Some nights
I wake up
Remembering her
And how
When I was on the edge
In the middle of the night
She would push me back
With those words
I believe
I believe in you
She was the only one
Back then
Not even myself
On most nights

Who Knows?

There’s always some other girl waiting around the corner, but instead I walk straight listening to the wind in my ears thinking of turning the other way getting a beer, but damn I’m broke, and that bar would break me for the week. Instead I find my old truck missing the side mirror, and drive away to dinner at home, alone with a few beers that was all that was left in my fridge. Afterwards I feel like going out, but I pick up a book instead. I’m saving up, I’ll go out tomorrow night I tell myself, but in reality, I’ll probably be doing the same again. I don’t know where I should go anymore. Too many couples, and I’m not as good a third wheel as I used to be. I wonder where all those conversations went, that meant something, but it’s too late to start over with the same people, that only know me in a certain way.
Maybe I should go away. Find myself again, or stop pretending. I’m not entertaining anymore. My stories have dried up, and I don’t feel like talking to anyone, unless… but no he’s not here, and I may be gone before he resurfaces. If letting go were losing, than I’ve already lost it all, and there is no reason. I should be going. I always found a way, even when money just wasn’t there. But I don’t go, anywhere. I just sit here, retreating further into who I was, if I could get there again, but not that far back.

It's Not Midsummer Yet, So Why?

I wasn’t supposed to be in that town at that time, but I went looking for a certain girl. I stopped at her old landlord’s shop, and inquired about her. Being a pious person, he informed me that he had kicked her out since she had a child out of wedlock, but he knew where she was staying. And I was familiar with the address.
As I walked into the house where she was now living, since the door was wide open, I noticed a baby on the floor, which I assumed must be hers, though I was surprised to find a baby that didn’t look new born, but months old. I couldn’t quite tell since my experience with babies is limited, but it wasn’t pink but fat and sitting, which told me something. She came rushing into the room to greet me scooping up the fat baby as she did so. It had been awhile since I had seen her last, just under a year, and I wondered how she had had a baby without my knowing, and why she hadn’t told me, but I didn’t ask her just yet.
We talked of old times and such, where she kissed me on the shoulder, something she had never done before, and looked up at me with imploring eyes, though I couldn’t tell if she was imploring me for help or to come back. I asked what she was doing now, and she said she got fired from her job because of the baby, and was now cleaning houses; one of the lowest jobs you could get. I was surprised because when I had last seen her she had been working for the government and finishing on her degree at night. It struck me as very sad that someone who had such a promising future was now doing a job only uneducated people did.
As I was leaving, I asked about the child, and she said it was a year old. When was she free from working, so I could stop and visit? Every day but Wednesdays. That wasn’t enough work, I thought. She must be starving with her little one.
Now in the street, I started calculating. It had been over a year and a half since we had been dating, which meant that the child had been conceived while we were still dating, but it wasn’t mine. I knew that for certain. I had heard rumors during that time, but I never believed them, and now? I had confirmation. I stopped feeling sorry for her as I walked away.
Then I woke-up. I felt like calling her and asking her, but I felt even sillier for wanting to confirm that something wasn’t true, that I already knew wasn’t true, but still… Then I started going over it in my head. Why would I ever be there in June? Why would nobody have told me, especially her? That town was impossible to keep secrets in, even if you wanted to. And where was her mother, whom she had lived with?
While in the shower I was shaking my head at such dreams, and my dog scratched at the shower door, so I opened it and splashed her. Then got dressed, and went to work thinking I would need more coffee today than usual.